Life in Bon Temps

Things have finally settled down for me now that I've had time to use my brain for something more than a hat rack.  I moved into the new house and it's really much more suited to the person I am now.  When you're young you kinda have all these dreams filling your head and fantasies that you don't really think through and I'm just learning who I am everyday. 

I've started enjoying the simple joys of life a lot more these days and stopped living with my head stuck in the clouds.  I guess everyone has to grow up someday and well Bon Temps has sure given me an education on that subject.  I mean when ya move to a town full of all the mythical creatures that you were taught didn't exist, that's enough to turn any girl a little dreamy.  Before I moved here I was so sure that I could handle any situation 'cause Granny had showed me how to live my life right.  I just never knew that those vampires could make you feel so out of control, boy did I learn a good lesson there.

I've come to learn that life ain't all about giving in to your desires and that if you want something you really need to work hard to obtain it.  I spent the last year livin' out all those things I missed when I was growin' up and ya know what I found?  Givin' in to those temptations brings ya nothin' but heartaches cause you're gonna wake up one mornin' lookin' in the mirror wonderin' who you've become.

All the partyin' the hangin' out with vampires all that stuff just wasn't the girl I wanted to be.  I was raised with a lot better morals than that.  I have a pretty good head on my shoulders when I don't let those desires get in the way of the person I really am deep in my heart.  I got a few regrets for the things I did , the number one thing being that I didn't save myself for marriage 'cause I know that would break Granny's heart if she were still here.

If she knew I'd given myself to a vampire she probably would have put me in some institution to help get my head back in the right place.  It took me a long time to accept that what folks were sayin' about vampires was right all along, they really don't have the ability to have emotion or human compassion.  I wanted to believe desperately that my love was enough but ya know that's just foolish talk 'cause ya can't ever love yourself enough for two people. 

I use to think that I could just pray and God would take away all the bad things from my life but I think once ya lay with evil you're pretty much damned when it comes to that, so I ain't got much use prayin' now to a God who probably won't ever forgive me.  I guess I could blame this town for the damnation of my soul but when it comes right down to it, it's what's in your own heart that I think damns ya in the first place.

I thought several times about leavin' Bon Temps and movin' back home to Alabama, but truth is I don't fit in with those folks back home anymore either.  I guess folks are the same no matter where ya live, but I was kinda sheltered growin' up and didn't see all those things if they were happenin' back home.  Sometimes I wish I could go back to that girl I used to be before I came here cause she's like a distant stranger to me now days.

I gave up my choir robe to lay with the devil and I did it with more than one so that ain't sayin' much about my person I guess.  Part of me wants to spend the rest of my life trying to make up for the things I did, but the other part still fights everyday tryin' to stay away from those things that seem to beg me to give in.  I guess that's what life's all about though, fightin' your own desires to do the right thing and I got a lot of work to do on myself to stay strong enough to resist temptation.

I wish I'd never allowed myself to feel that passion, or knew the pleasure that fangs could give 'cause it sure was easier being good before I knew just how incredible those things were.  Maybe I was just foolin' myself all those years before I moved to Bon Temps and the real me is the girl who loved to kneel down before a vampire and make him feel like a god.  I honestly don't know who the real me is but I'm gonna work real hard to figure her out before I go making another mistake like I did before.

I get so confused about what I'm fighting some days and think how easy it would be just to give in to those pleasures that led me down this road in the first place.  I got some good friends though and there workin' real hard to help me enjoy life again in the right way.  Well I guess that's about all I can say about my life in Bon Temps these days.  Ya'll just remember that once you give in to temptation it's real hard not to allow yourself to forget everything you thought you were.