Haunted Past

Sitting alone in her bedroom she allowed the tears to fall silently down her cheeks.  She hated nights like this when memories came back to haunt her to the point she felt she barely even knew her own mind.  How long would she torment herself with these thoughts, she wondered to herself.  She thought about the call from Zac tonight and felt the tears fall even more rapidly. 

When had she started hating herself, she wondered at what point did she become a person she didn't even want to know anymore.  There had to be laughter somewhere in her past but she was having a really hard time remembering those days if they did indeed exist at all.  Not the fake laughter she shared with the rest of the world but the honest to good kind that came from your heart when you truly felt happiness.

She was truly worried about seeing her old high school sweetheart tomorrow.  Afraid that he would see what she had become and remind her of the girl that used to be so full of life and joy.  She had given away her heart when she moved to Bon Temps and she understood now that with her heart she had also given her self respect.  Thinking back on those nights not only with the Sheriff, but with Gabe and Rafe she understood that she had wanted to be loved so desperately that she never thought about what fulfilling their dreams would cost her.

There was nothing left of that young woman she used to be except a pocket full of heartache and tons of regrets.  In truth she had never known what she truly wanted for herself. It was so easy to kneel at someones feet and allow them to control her life it was what she had been doing since birth.  She had moved from her Granny Louise's control into the Sheriff's and then into Rafe's.  Pleasing other people just seemed to be second nature to her.

As she thought about it more, it was easy to see why things never worked out in relationships for her.  Being in love should mean that there were two people willing to work together on fulfilling each others needs and not just taking or giving.  She was drawn to the vampires because they seemed to enjoy that control and she always seemed ready to give it over to them.  Deep in her heart though she knew that she dreamed of something more.  There was a desperate desire in her heart to have someone want to please her as much as she wanted to please them.

There was no doubt in her mind that she would always have a place in her heart for Eric.  He had shown her what passion was and he would always be ingrained in her memories for initiating her into the ways of lovemaking.  As much as she hated him at times she also craved that always unfulfilled desire to be loved back by him.  That fantasy was one she would have to learn to leave behind no matter how much it broke her heart to leave it in the past.

She had put her life on hold to learn to live again, which ultimately made no sense at all.  It was time to let the past remain where it was.  She wasn't sure if she would ever truly love that deeply again, but she did know with a certainty that she would never forget him if she didn't move forward.  She wondered if she would ever be capable of loving a human man again and of course her mind was drawn back to Zac.

When she was young she couldn't imagine them not together.  He had been everything she thought she had wanted in a boy in those days: sweet, loving, gentle, and compassionate.  Granny Louise had loved him when she was still alive and she knew without a doubt he was the type of man she would want Cara to be with.  They had so much in common and he knew the old Cara better than anyone else in the world.  She wondered if with him she might find that girl she used to be again. 

She thought back to Junior Prom and how he had kissed her that night and had to smile.  They were both so insecure and young it seemed hard to believe that had only been four years ago, because it felt like a lifetime.  She wasn't sure if he would understand the things she had done since she moved here and remembered them both talking about waiting until they were married for their first time together.  Well she hadn't waited obviously and she really wasn't sure how to tell him about her life since she had moved to Bon Temps. 

There was so much to think about and it was already getting late.  Zac would be over for breakfast in the morning and she didn't really want to oversleep.  With a sigh of resignation she slipped under the covers and tried to get her mind to stop working overtime.  There were so many things she needed to thing about but they sure weren't going to be worked out overnight.