Turning the Page .. a final farewell to a dream

I gathered all the things that reminded me of Eric and put them in a box.  As the tears silently slid down my cheeks I knew that no matter how hard this was, it was time to say goodbye.  There would never be another that would fill my heart with such longing or bring me to the point of desperation the way he did.  The nights I prayed he would come to me, the heartache I felt when he never did, it was like a roller coaster of depression that continued to draw me downward until I feared I would never find myself again.

It would have been so easy to allow myself to keep dreaming that someday he would come to me and see that I was the only person who could thaw his dead heart.  I had pretty much deluded myself to the point where I wanted to believe somewhere deep inside he cared for me even a fraction of how I felt about him.  The truth was I had to leave the girl behind who was willing to believe in fairy tales and happily ever after.

I had known from the beginning that there was no future with him.  To be kneeling at his feet watching while the hundreds of women graced his bed it just wasn't a place I could willingly allow myself to be.  Somewhere deep inside of my soul I knew that I deserved so much more than being his groupie.  My heart and love should be cherished, I reminded myself constantly, to accept anything less was beneath me.

Seeing him nearly brought me to my knees every time, and it's still a constant battle not to allow myself to remember how much I truly love him.  But love shouldn't destroy you and make you feel worthless and unacceptable.  And sometimes you have to love yourself more than your own hearts desire.  I doubt he ever knew or cared how completely enamored I truly was with him.  How I could barely breathe some nights the need to be around him even in the distance had all but destroyed every ounce of self-confidence I ever had.

It was a vicious cycle I allowed myself to fall in to time and time again.  Hiding the truth of how desperately I needed him and willingly pretending I could be whatever he needed for me to be.  My friends feared for my well being as they watched me continue on the path of destruction that was always a waiting time bomb with him.  Reality had escaped into a fantasy that I couldn't seem to separate and it was truly affecting every facet of my life.   So I had to make a choice to either allow myself to feel unworthy or step away from the fantasy that Eric became for me. 

Packing the box of memories away I put them on the truck and watched the driver drive away.  I would forever have a place for Eric in my heart but it would be a much healthier place.  Never again could I let him enter my life and disrupt my emotions again.  The chapter was closed, the last page written the final farewell to a dream.